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Co-parenting with a person who loves conflict, who is rigid, entitled, vindictive, antagonistic and dysregulated can possibly be one of the most difficult things you would ever do in your life. That's why you need all the support, understanding and the skills to navigate this difficult journey.
In most cases, you can't go no contact for obvious reasons; you are sharing children with them.
How do I protect my child from the narcissistic parent?
Isn’t that the question you are asking yourself over and over when you are co-parenting children with a narcissistic parent.
If I have got your attention, then you may be going through the following.
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The narcissistic parent treats you like it is mandatory that you parent, but it is a choice for them
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The narcissist breaks childcare arrangements or doesn’t show up at all when it’s their turn to pick the children up
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They trash you to your children
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They are surrounded by people who enable their lies and drama and keep trashing you in front of your children
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Your children feel like it is their duty to protect them and they get caught in the crossfire
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You are left to do everything from supervising children to running the entire home whilst working.
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They make you feel bad about whatever goes wrong in child’s life
Amidst all of that chaos, you are probably blaming yourself,
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for choosing to have a child with a narcissist
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for the toxic separation that children go through or the toxic environment that your children are brought up in
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gaslighting and manipulation your children are put through by the other parent
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for having ignored the red flags in the relationship early on for having to allow your children to spend solo time with the narcissistic parent without you being there to protect them
Even if you have left, the abuse may still continue. Post separation abuse is REAL.
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They engage in counter parenting.
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If you try to protect your children from abuse from them, they will accuse you of alienation.
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They may engage in neglectful and abusive parenting in order to gain compliance from children.
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They are likely to spread lies about you with the family and friends and isolate you and your children in order to gain control over you.
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They may harass you, stalk you, abuse your financially (i.e. revenge debt), use the legal systems to abuse you and continue coercive control.
Your dilemma probably is that you neither want to gaslight your children nor you want to say anything bad about the other parent to protect your children from further trauma.
Truth be told, having an antagonistic parent does have its toll on children. The most painful part of this herculean task is to watch the pain, confusion and trauma that your children experience whilst you are going through confusion, numbness, depression and anxiety yourself.
Children who grow up with narcissistic parents are likely to struggle with,
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Codependency in other relationships
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Weak sense of self
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Poor interpersonal boundaries
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Inability to say no
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Chronic guilt / shame
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Self-loathing
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Trust issues
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Anxiety / depression
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Being a people's pleaser.
It’s not like that the family court system is supportive is it? We live in a society that enables narcissistic behaviours. You are likely to hear toxic advice from people around you such as ‘every family goes through this’, ‘relationships are hard’, ‘go on a date night and it will be alright’, ‘have you tried to communicate with them?’. It can be a very painful and isolating experience to process your own reality and support your children through theirs.
There is HOPE and GOOD NEWS.
You can be that one solid parent who is present and consistent in your children’s life that can be an offset to the narcissistic parent.
You can provide your children with the empathy, compassion, secure attachment and the mirroring your child needs.
“The tyranny of narcissistic abuse is that we blame ourselves for the narcissistic person’s behaviour” - Dr. Ramani Daruvasula.
I can help you decide on how to support your children whilst ensuring your well-being is taken care of.
The work we do will enable you to decide on,
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how to co-parent effectively preserving your energy and sanity
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how to work towards your dreams and aspirations
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how to find ways to deeply connect with your children so they thrive in their lives.
I may be correct to assume that you have already been working really hard to ‘love more’, ‘commit more’, ‘do more’ hoping that things would change.
Let’s channel all those skills, strengths and commitments you already have to create a thriving life for you and your children.
Your situation is individual however, there are common themes we can work with.
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You have left the relationship and we are co-parenting
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You are going through a very difficult divorce process right now and childcare arrangements are still being decided
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You are still in the relationship with the partner and parenting together
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You have left and the other parent doesn’t want anything to do with the child/children
It may seem like an impossible dream now. After all these years of experiencing gaslighting, minimalisation, confusion and isolation that have left you depressed, anxious and in some cases with severe PTSD, you may be thinking, “I can’t do this”. Please don’t write yourself off too soon love. There’s a great life ahead of you despite your current or past experience of narcissism. At one point, whilst going through severe Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder, I had written off my life too. I decided to rise from the ashes when I looked in to my daughter’s eyes. At the time, I thought, “I owe it to her”. Now, I am living my life for me. And yes, it takes time. It is worth it.
I am not going to lie to you. It does take some time. However, I won’t mislead you with the famous quote ‘time heals’ either. Time does not heal nor it solves the challenge in your hand, at least not until your children turn 18 and the court can no longer force co-parenting on you.
It may seem like an impossible dream now. After all these years of experiencing gaslighting, minimalisation, confusion and isolation that have left you depressed, anxious and in some cases with severe PTSD, you may be thinking, “I can’t do this”. Please don’t write yourself off too soon love. There’s a great life ahead of you despite your current or past experience of narcissism. At one point, whilst going through severe Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder, I had written off my life too. I decided to rise from the ashes when I looked in to my daughter’s eyes. At the time, I thought, “I owe it to her”. Now, I am living my life for me. And yes, it takes time. It is totally worth it.
You know you have got your life back when you,
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Don't personalise the narcissist's behaviour towards you.
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Know how to factually respond to the narcissist's provocative emails and texts
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Can recognize the tolls narcissist’s behaviour had on children when they come back from their home and create a soothing environment for them.
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Can respond to your children's difficult questions without triangulating them or trashing the narcissist to your children.
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Can recognize the enabler's behaviour immediately and walk away from that situation.
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Can recognize where the real support is and attract and keep healthy relationships in your life.
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Can recognize when the narcissist tries to hoover you back in and not take their baits.
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Start feeling comfortable in your authentic self.
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Start feeling confident, clarity, joy and creativity.
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Connect with your children at a deeper level and strengthen your relationship
And last but not least,
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Live your best life whilst supporting your children to be their authentic selves.
My mission and passion:
The reason why I do the work I do is because of my own experiences. I was that child who got trapped between two parents' crossfire and needless to say I attracted many narcissistic people in my life. You can read more about me and my journey here. I would love to see our children grow with the love and empathy that they deserve. I would love to see you claim your authentic self back after years of abuse and truly live a vibrant life.
Let me help you use all that experience, knowledge, professional expertise and the empathy and compassion to help you create the best life you deserve.
If I were your friend, this is what I would say to you......
Imagine us two as two friends, having a cup of tea on a sunny day in your lounge and you have just shared your experience with me. After listening to you patiently, you would ask me for advice. With your permission to give you advice, I would say to you “I love you too much to watch you go through this pain. I am going to be with you every step of the way holding your hand and putting a blanket over you when you feel tired and lying on this couch. You have every right to be happy. So, don’t let a fucked up human being fuck your life and your children’s life. You are worth a lot more than that”.
You may like that advice or you may not. It is up to you to decide.
If any of the above resonates with you, there are several ways I can help you.
You check out FREE content that I have made available on YouTube, LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram. I also send out a weekly email with important information, suggestions, advice and tools. Please subscribe to my newsletter.
Services
There are several ways you can work with me
Download in Exchange for your email
Co-parenting with a narcissist 101 - E-book
How to Communicate with a Narcissist when Co/Parallel Parenting
Community Space For Those Who Co-Parent With a Narcissistic Partner or Ex Partner
Workshop
Work With Me Individually
Get in Touch
nisanka@coachingwithnisanka.com
Marine House, 151, Western Road, Haywards Heath, West Sussex, UK. RH16 3LH
@coachingwithnisanka2022
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