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Why can't I enjoy being a parent anymore?
There may be barriers to your connection.
Your own trauma, day-to-day struggles of having to parent with someone who is rigid, enraged, entitled, vindictive, blame-shifting and then acting like they are the victim is simply exhausting.
So, how do you approach an almost impossible task
of raising children with a narcissist?
There are three vital components to consider
Learn About
Narcissistic Abuse
This gives you an understanding of what’s happened/is happening to you. You are highly likely to experience a sense of liberation to learn that you are not crazy or this isn’t all your fault.
Learn
New Skills
When you learn about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, you will understand how important it is to learn new skills on how to communicate, how to ungaslight yourself and children, how not to be hoovered etc.
You must learn tailor made parenting skills to suit your unique situation. (e.g. how a grandiose narcissist behaves is different to how a covert narcissist behaves with your children and how your children responds to these is unique)
Heal From
Your Trauma
Narcissistic abuse causes PTSD, CPTSD, chronic illnesses, chronic shame and chronic self doubt and it’s essential that you take steps to heal from your traumas.
Some of you may be children of narcissistic parents and the trauma may run deep.
It’s o.k to take baby steps if it feels too much, but we must begin somewhere to heal from these past traumas.
This takes time. So, have self compassion.
It is o.k to think of yourself and put your needs first.
You no longer need to suppress your needs to serve the narcissist.
The majority of us spend years believing that healing is about having that last conversation with the narcissist where they finally realise the pain they have caused us.
Beautiful, I am sorry to disappoint you. That’s a mirage.
A narcissist will NEVER EVER offer you JUSTICE, CLOSURE or AN APOLOGY.
Because, according to their black and white thinking, they are the hero who saved you from the gutter and you are the villain who ruined their lives.
Here’s my take on this.
Justice comes from your healing.
You may want to see the day when the narcissist is held accountable or punished for their abusive behaviour.
But, be prepared to live with the fact that justice doesn’t exist where you are looking for it such as the court system, families or friends.
Closure is decided by you.
It’s not given by the narcissist. Begging for closure gives more power to the narcissist and traps you more in their game.
A fake apology will
not heal your nervous system.
If and when that apology comes, just RUN! Because they want something from you.
What heals you is doing the inner work to release trauma from your nervous system.
What heals you is accepting the parts of you that you have rejected to survive these relationships.
What protects your children from the harm of a narcissistic parent
is your connection with your children.
Some of you may be feeling hopeful and energised by now but some of you may feel exhausted and disheartened. Please be reassured that both reactions are normal. We go through so many different stages when we have experienced narcissistic abuse.
Usually, ‘Why me?’ become your mantra.
You may feel furious. Be angry, because you have earned your right to be angry.
You may feel grief. Be intimate with it. It’s part of the process.
You may ruminate. It’s normal. This will gradually ease off and you will feel joy again.
Just like a river flowing through rocks, sometimes gathering speed and sometimes gliding gently, you will gradually get your life back. And both you and your children will flourish.
You can choose to thrive and live a beautiful life.
- But it won’t happen by reading about narcissism.
- It takes time, commitment and investment.
- I am NOT your fairy Godmother. I don’t have a magic wand to make your troubles vanish into thin air.
- A Knight in shining armour is not going to come and rescue you.
- There’s no pill to heal you overnight.
You will have to do the inner work. You will have to be ready to go to the darkest places and trust the process of healing.
Talk therapy is not going to help you do that.
And that’s guaranteed!
Because you cannot rationalise your way out of trauma.
Healing your nervous system is a process that needs body, mind and spirit connection.
Reframing your subconscious beliefs and survival habits that’s holding you back isn’t just a cognitive process.
Can you prepare yourself to experience a harmony of logic and magic?
Am I allowed to remind you of something?
You know you had to be organised, resourceful, creative, gritty, formidable, patient, empathetic and caring to survive the cruelties of narcissistic abuse whilst raising children who have been impacted by the same.
Beautiful, you have got all the essence to heal within you. Channel that energy to create a life that you want for you and your children.
And, if you let me, I would love to help you channel your essence to achieve tremendous post-traumatic growth, get your life back and support your children to thrive.
If I were your friend, this is what I would say to you......
Imagine us two as two friends, having a cup of tea on a sunny day in your lounge and you have just shared your experience with me. After listening to you patiently, you would ask me for advice. With your permission to give you advice, I would say to you “I love you too much to watch you go through this pain. I am going to be with you every step of the way holding your hand and putting a blanket over you when you feel tired and lying on this couch. You have every right to be happy. So, don’t let a fucked up human being fuck your life and your children’s life. You are worth a lot more than that”.
You may like that advice or you may not. It is up to you to decide.
If you let me be your Coach,
As a Coach, I respect that It’s your journey. So, I will adjust to your pace. Let’s allow time and space to build trust and rapport. There’s no need to rush anything. I will respect your boundaries and I trust you will respect mine.
Why don’t you tell me what your priorities are and we can start there. Don’t worry, if you can’t figure it out. I can guide you with that. I will always seek your consent on how best to help you. I trust you would be able to tell me what you would like. It could be mentoring, practical support, just listening to you off load, coaching or deep dive to healing. “I don’t know what I want” is a perfectly good answer too.
We will work together to bring peace to your past, present and future safely and gently without retraumatizing you. You may feel a little tired after the sessions but that’s normal.
We will approach your healing and taking your life back from a place of enoughness. Because, you are enough.
I use tools that have saved my past clients time, money and energy. My favourite tools are EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and Matrix Reimprinting and we would be a great fit if you like them too. Life Coaching and NLP are also tools in my bag that I use frequently.
A personal note.
I do bring my sense of humour and playfulness to our sessions but not without your consent.
I prefer to have video on when we work together on zoom, however you have a choice not to.
We will have a laugh together, share breakthroughs together, and celebrate your growth, however uncomfortable that might be.
