Are you co-parenting with a narcissistic partner or ex partner and you need help to support your children whilst preserving your sanity? 

Navigating in Woods
If you are reading this page, it’s probably because you have been made to live in service of a narcissist despite you being an independent, intelligent, courageous, confident and an empathetic person. That’s how great narcissists are at their game! Whether you live under the same roof raising children together or you have left the relationship seeking your freedom the likelihood is that the abuse is continuing. 
 
I offer individual support to recover from narcissistic abuse and support your children consistently and effectively whilst preserving your sanity. 
 
Healing can be done in full silence if that’s how you choose to do it. You can choose if you want to tell your stories or you can choose if you want to keep them to yourself and process the strands. Choice is yours.
 
The antidote to the narcissist’s behaviour towards you is to claim your authentic self and live your life wholeheartedly. 
 
Some of you may read that sentence and think, “what a load of poppycock!”. I get you! I was there once. I was drowning so deep in the quicksand of abuse but blaming myself for it. But, please bear with me and read the rest of this page.  The choice is always yours. This page is about me sharing information so that you make a choice whether to work with me or not from an empowered place. 
Who is this for?
 
Your circumstances are individual and what you desire for yourself is based on them. One or more of the following may be relevant to you.This is why I offer an initial no obligation chat so that you can ask me all the questions and establish if we are a best fit to work together. My invitation for you is always to make that choice from an empowered place. 
  • You are co-parenting with a narcissistic partner or ex and you feel like you are losing your sanity
 
  • Your children are clearly going through a tough time with how confusing the narcissistic parent’s behaviour is. You can see your children’s behaviour changing to acting out or being anxious and you want to help them.
 
  • You know your partner is a narcissist but you have decided to stay. However, you want to protect yourself and your children from the sadness and the trauma.
 
  • You left a narcissistic relationship and you need help to thrive in your life and support your children. But, you are drowned in self-doubt and you want to overcome that to accept your power as an individual. 
This programme may be a perfect fit for you if,
 
  • If you binge watch Dr. Ramani’s YouTube channel or follow professionals like Rebecca Zung, then we a great fit. 
 
  • You feel ready to process the narcissistic abuse and the complex emotions that arise with it
 
  • You are curious and excited about what your life would look like down the line of recovery
 
  • You are excited to build a lasting, trusting relationship with your children
 
  • You can support your children attract healthy relationships in their lives despite having a narcissistic parent
 
  • You need support dealing with the grief and paralysing shock of trusting someone and being abused by them.
 
  • You have had enough shouldering someone else’s insecurities.
 
  • You are beginning to realise that life is more than obeying someone else’s demands and commands. 
 
  • You want to command your own life.
 
  • You have had enough of walking on eggshells. You want to walk free in your joyous and authentic self.
 
  • You feel exhausted and you want your energy back for you and your children. 
 
  • Your children know that your partner/ex partner is hurting you. That’s painful for them and they feel like they have to protect you.
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Here are a few more signs to recognize if you are in the right place and right time to begin a healing journey. You may or may not find relevance in all of the following. Here's an activity to help you recognize how much you can find relevance in the following. Pay attention to how you feel in your body as you read the following sentences. If you feel your physical energy changing such as you feel heavy, your heart races, you feel clammy etc. it is likely that your body has stored the following emotions and it needs a release. 
⬜ I am confused and doubtful and feel like I am out of air
 
⬜ I feel lonely and angry
 
⬜I am ruminating about ‘what if’s and time I ‘wasted’
 
⬜ I am anxious, depressed and distracted most of the time
 
⬜ I can’t remember the last time I had fun with my children
 
⬜ I feel sick worrying about the shame, doubt, manipulation, fear and inferiority that my children are experiencing with the narcissistic parent
 
⬜ I find it difficult to connect with my children or be playful and joyful with them
 
⬜ I feel o.k and under control some days but feel grief other days
 
⬜ I find my children’s needs overwhelming and then I feel guilty, worried and sad when I have lost my patience with them
 
⬜ I have been taking talking therapy but it feels like nothing is changing
 
⬜ I am bursting with new ideas but often procrastinate due to fear, self-doubt and lack of self confidence
 
⬜ I keep dreaming of a life I want but don’t feel like it’s ever going to be mine because that’s not been my experience
The Framework

 

Please don’t look at this framework as if you are looking at an excel spreadsheet, because healing is not linear. It has many aspects and many strands and the work you have to do is unique and individual to you. 
 
Each session is an organic process. It will start with what you bring to the table. Even though we can use several modalities to help you, I personally don’t believe that being too structured with modalities is helpful to either of us. So, I use skillful questions intuitively to cater to how you feel and what you need. You have a choice to let me know which modality suits you best. This is something that we will figure out together as we progress. 
 
“I felt like my sessions were really personalised, and didn’t just follow a structure” - J F
 
“Nisanka gently led me through the tapping, teaching me how to do it, before using excellent questions to guide me through some imagery which brought out wild and wonderful things and has led to me feeling like I’ve connected with myself on a much deeper level that I have in different types of therapy before” - M.S
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Vitality/Be present/Self-care
 
Self-care is probably your best starting point. I am sure you already know the importance of self-care. It’s even more important when you deal with a person who has pathological narcissistic behaviours. For a start, you are living in chronic stress. Next, dealing with a narcissist consumes your energy. You may find yourself feeling exhausted when you have finished a conversation even if it’s a brief one. You may be feeling extremely tired after dealing with people who enable the narcissist's behaviour. In addition to all of these, you are the main parent, dealing with your children’s emotional roller-coaster. There’s nothing you can give to your children from an empty cup. It’s vital that you fill in this cup. For that, finding and committing to things that work for you is vital. Nature walks, meditation, exercise all matter. However, as a narcissistic abuse survivor, it is advisable that you spend time with people who can validate your experience, who can listen, who can support you without questions being asked. Self-care lays a strong foundation for the journey ahead of you to build a thriving life for you and for your children. 
 
Being present could feel like climbing Everest whilst facing an avalanche. It could be that hard! However, if you can be mindful and become aware when your thoughts run to the past or to the future and you can bring yourself back to the present, you can gradually practise the art of being present. You are likely to make better decisions from this place. Throughout the work we do, we will continuously practise how to bring yourself back to the present using techniques that work for you. What works for one wouldn’t necessarily work for the other, so it’s important for you to dig a little deeper and find your thing. For me personally, I go between applying EFT, nature walks and journaling to dancing, cooking and creative writing. I ask my body what it needs. Sometimes, all I need is to watch Bridgerton on Netflix. You will get better at listening to your needs as you keep healing. 
 
Vitality is what will help your body heal gradually. It is easy to get into the habits of keeping our energy levels up with food that destroys our health in the long run. When you are running like a hamster on a wheel, feeling anxious and depressed, it is easy for us to add chemical stress to our body. I am not a nutritionist, therefore I am not going to offer you any advice that is not in my skill set. However, what we will look at is how to improve vitality through positive psychology. How to change some of the habits that keep us stuck in unhealthy loops.
 
When you invest in the above three  elements, your body and mind will be ready to take on the challenges ahead. 

 
Setting goals:
 
What I have discovered in my journey is that as much as it’s important to work on the past, it’s equally important to work towards our future too. When we speak about goal setting, our minds naturally tend to think of significant goals like a career change, starting a business or going on a world tour etc. I believe that we as coaches are much responsible for creating a vision that makes you feel like you can fart rainbows and unicorns if you continue to work with a coach. There’s some truth in it. You can fart metaphorical rainbows and unicorns in your life. You can go from being a silent head nodder to an outstanding motivational egghead on a stage. That’s how powerful coaching can be if you commit to taking actions. Our life is what we make of it and setting goals and working towards it makes it possible for us to achieve our dreams.
 
Except, in the event of narcissistic abuse, how we start setting goals could be different. Our unique circumstances such as facing financial abuse, being left to raise children on our own, being outcast from our families and cultures or losing our reputation because of the narcissist's vindictive behaviour could mean that setting goals ought to start at a different level compared to those who haven’t endured narcissistic abuse. Sometimes, waking up and getting that half an hour to yourself in itself is a difficult goal to achieve and we need help and accountability in achieving that. Building our lives from debilitating self-doubt and confusion may feel like a snowball chance in hell. However, when you combine it with powerful healing at a cellular level, you will soon discover that it is not as difficult as it seems. It does get better everyday!
 
Grief recovery
 
Grieving a nest that you built in a blustery wind takes time. Be kind to yourself. 
 
Grief is often associated with the death of a loved one. However, grief associated with narcissistic abuse is different. We grieve a story we created in our head and the years we spent trying to keep up with that story. We grieve our decisions to have children with a narcissist. We grieve the ‘good old times’ we believed were real but only a bait that the narcissist used to maintain power. We grieve sexual coercion and our bodies being used as objects. There’s many things we grieve about. Healing from this grief takes time and it is essential that you do this with people who understand this particular type of grief. 
 
Even though you may find it difficult to believe it right now, grief that you are experiencing right now is a doorway to feeling deeper gratitude and empathy. It is your ability to process this grief that will enhance your innate wisdom and will keep you safe from attracting more narcissists into your life. We may never be immune to attracting them, but we will get better and quicker at letting them go. 
 
Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible - Francis Ward Weller
Out of trauma bond
 
Trauma bond in essence is familiar chaos. 
 
Do you remember the last time that the narcissist promised that they would change, but it never happened and you blamed yourself for it? Do you remember the last time they faked a future and you held onto that hope thinking ‘one day’ that future will be reality. Do you remember the last time you thought of that occasional good day you had and justified the abusive behaviour from the narcissist towards you? That’s the pattern of trauma bond. Most of us who experience narcissistic abuse are children who grew up believing abuse was love. 
 
Some of you may have already left the relationship with a narcissist, however you may still be dealing with the damage the abuse left on your body and your mind. You may still be waiting for someone else to bring you that drop of water in the desert. You may still be attracting narcissists and unable to break this cycle. You may be subject to narcissistic abuse by your older children. These are all possibilities of trauma bond. Unless you learn to break this cycle, it’s going to keep you looping around the same cycle of abuse but with different people. It’s time to break the cycle in a safe environment with the support of a professional. 
 
Trauma bond is a slot machine that’s going to keep taking your money and there won’t be any jackpot for you! So, stop putting your money in.

 
Breaking negative patterns
 
I don’t think anyone else on this planet is as self critical as an individual who is/has been in a narcissistic relationship. Anxiety and depression are highly possible results of being in a narcissistic relationship. In these situations, experiencing negative thought patterns is a given. Negative thought patterns such as ‘what am I going to do without the partner?’, “I can’t live without them” or ‘If I hadn’t gone on that trip, this argument wouldn’t have happened’, ‘If I hadn’t divorced, my children would still have a family”  can cause you to go round and round in circles of depression and anxiety. These thoughts manifest in behavioural patterns that don’t serve us. For example, you may be reluctant to put boundaries in place for your children to overcompensate the fact that you chose to end the relationship. Or you may expect the children to ‘respect’ the narcissistic partner despite him raging on your children for the fear of you being recognised as the ‘bad parent’. There are many possibilities and when you are in the thick of it you may not see these harmful patterns. You can’t see the woods for its trees because you are too close to it.  
 
Reasoning these thoughts won’t kill them. That’s why it’s essential to get to the root cause and eliminate them from its root. You also must develop the necessary skills to bring yourself to the present and have powerful conversations with your children. That’s why it is essential to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you an incredibly wise one who understands the importance of problem solving. Your children will see your ability to problem solve and navigate adversity; an essential skill that your children will learn just by observing you doing it. 
 
Negative thoughts are like a rubber ball under the water, the more we try to hide it, the more it jumps out with force. 

 
Changing core-beliefs
 
One of the reasons why we let the narcissist distort our reality was because we didn’t believe our own reality in the first place. 
 
As painful as it is to admit it, that is what’s happened. If we believed in our self-worth deep down and we listened to our body’s radar system sending us warning signals over and over, we would have said ‘f**k all’ to the narcissist within the first 30 seconds of us meeting. It is o.k. Have some self-compassion! Loving ourselves involves us getting really intimate with our grief, mistakes and the parts that are difficult for us to accept. 
 
What we believe at a cellular level as a result of our negative experiences in the formative years shapes everything we do in our lives as adults. A common belief that we grow up with is ‘not enough’ and this is emphasised in narcissistic relationships by the narcissist. Our wings get clipped and who we are as a person gets chipped away over time. One of the main reasons why we accept such treatment and abuse from another person and justifies that is because of our core beliefs. 
 
Since we usually identify with our caretakers and their values, the way they treat us teaches us about our value as human beings. We also inherit generational trauma and beliefs through our genes. The good news is that we can shift these core beliefs into positive beliefs and create a life that we want. I acknowledge that there may be cultural, socio economic and religious barriers. Coming from an Asian background, having grown up in Sri Lanka in a conventional society, my own experience with poverty has given me the wisdom to acknowledge that some of your journeys may be harder than others. However, you can create the life you want for you and for your children over time when you heal. It ultimately comes down to what you choose for yourself. 
 
Sometimes, we don’t want to make any changes in our lives despite our realisation that it is not a joyful life. We keep thinking about the years we invested in the relationship and in doing so we forget how many years we have ahead of us to live the life we want. So, it’s up to  you to decide if you want to make that change or not. 
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Now that I have highlighted a few areas that you may go through as an individual, it is also vital to remember that there is a journey that your children and you will go through together. When you do the work on yourself to heal, the parenting part becomes easier. We all know that parenting is hard and co-parenting with a narcissist is even harder. That’s why I keep saying repeatedly that we must acquire the skills that help us help our children consistently. 
 
The following 4 skills are your pillars of success when co-parenting with a narcissistic partner or ex-partner. 
 
These skills will help your children manage the chaos and feel grounded without harming their developmental needs. 
Offer a smooth transition between homes or intense experiences 
 
If your children are moving between homes, make sure you are welcoming them with a consistent routine. Offer a smile, hug and a calm atmosphere before you start getting on with your lives. If you are co-parenting under the same roof, and you all have been through an intense experience, your priority is to pay attention to your children and reassure them. Hugs, a quiet environment, songs, and stories may help this.
 
Provide alternative environments for fun and light activities
 
Negative experiences fuel negative core beliefs in children. If children are constantly under these strains, they are likely to develop negative core beliefs that affect them developmentally. Offer children play dates, fun activities where they can be children and explore. Offer experiences where they can feel normal and support their natural curiosity. Repeat 'it is not your fault that your mother/father is behaving that way' like a mantra.


 

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Support children with self regulation instead of managing their behaviour 
 
Don't jump into the bandwagon of raising 'disciplined' and 'compliant' children when children 'act out'. Tune into the fact that they are trying to express complex emotions that they are not ready to understand developmentally. Teach them self-regulating techniques and regulate yourself with them. Remember that the narcissistic co-parent is incapable of regulating themselves. So, they are unable to support children when the children express their emotions in various different ways. I know this is difficult when you are in the thick of it. That's why it would benefit you if you sought help. However, your emotional investment in your children will help them grow up with trust and a secure attachment to you.
 
Be present with them and use critical thinking as a way to communicate 
 
Critical thinking is a powerful tool in parenting. However, it acts even more powerfully when you co-parent with a narcissistic partner/ex. You can't triangulate your children by launching a truth campaign when the narcissistic partner trash you to your children. So, how do you navigate this situation whilst ensuring building trust with your children? Use critical thinking that builds your children's emotional intelligence. The five pillars of critical thinking are 'why, how, what, when, where'.


 

If you can do the above 4 things consistently, you are likely to be able to navigate these difficult situations with healthier attachment to your children. You may ask, “Is it fair that I am left to deal with all of these on my own, when the other parent is having a responsibility free life?”. And the answer is, "It is not fair at all!". Parenting isn’t about seeking justice. When you are dealing with a narcissist, you are unlikely to receive justice or closure. That’s just how it is. This is why grief recovery is such a crucial aspect of recovering from narcissistic abuse. 
 
 Healing is your justice and justice for your children. 


 

Possibilities and Limitations:
 
My intention here is to be as transparent as possible. If you have any questions about the points below, please do book a connection chat and we can talk about it. I suggest that you read the following points and reflect on them before making any decisions about signing up for any of the programmes. 
 
I would love to tell you that the process of coaching and therapy means that you will never face any obstacles in life or you are immune to narcissists. None of us will be fully immune to narcissists, however, we can develop the antidote to narcissism; that is to learn who we are and have the courage to leave people and situations when they don’t serve us anymore. With that in mind, I am going to share what I believe is possible with the work we do with careful weight given to limitations we may experience as well.
 
Possibilities:
 
  • You can live a vibrant life as an individual, attracting loving and caring people into your life.
  • You can rise above the glass ceiling and accept your true power as an individual. 
  • You being a role model to your children will teach them a lesson on how to navigate life in the face of adversity.
  • Your ability to maintain healthy boundaries whilst remaining an empathetic person will give your children the essential skills of maintaining healthy boundaries from a young age.
  • Your children are likely to trust you and form a healthy attachment to you. This enables them to grow up into their adulthood with positive beliefs about relationships.
  • When you remain calm and collected as a parent in the face of adversity and still strive to live a full life, your children learn to remain calm and strive for a full life despite their circumstances. This is an essential life skill that they will not learn at school.
  • When you are able to be the nurturing, empathetic, and compassionate person in  your children’s lives, they develop the essential skills to recognize what’s toxic at an early stage.They develop emotional intelligence and will learn how to navigate toxic people and situations. I cannot emphasise enough how important these skills are, especially when your children go through puberty and start dating. 
  • You develop strong knowledge and understanding of trauma and this will enable you to help your children when they go through difficult situations in their lives calmly.
  • When you learn to look after yourself, be kind to yourself and practice self-love, your children learn to do the same. 
  •  Your emotional language, ability to think critically and ability to listen empathetically improves as you go through this process. Your children will learn to appreciate these skills over time. 
  • Work you do will end the ‘never enough’ cycle and will enable you to accept you as a worthy person.
 
Limitations:
 
  • Children tend to develop anxiety and some negative core beliefs. I doubt that they will be fully immune from this. Instead of projecting blame at yourself when you see this, seek professional help and your support to them. Accept that your children have the right to say ‘No’ to therapy. They will accept it when it’s the right time for them. All we can do is to make therapy accessible, normal and positive. 
  • Children may choose their narcissistic parent over you despite your best effort. However, when you know you have done your best, that may help you grieve and accept that our children have their own journeys to go through. We can’t bubble wrap them or be in the way of their own life learning.
  • Children may themselves develop narcissistic behaviours. Despite your empathy, love and healthy attachment, there’s a possibility that your children may grow up to be narcissistic. That’s why it’s important for you to learn the boundaries so that you don’t get victimised again by your own children. 
Things to consider before signing up
  • Recovery may take some time and this means that it may cost you a fair bit of your hard earned money. In my opinion, this is absolutely worth it for the results you can get.
  • Whilst you are going through recovery, it is possible and normal to experience intense emotions. This is essential to the recovery.
  • There may be sessions where you feel light and relieved and there may be sessions where you feel heavy and tired. These are both normal parts of the journey. That's why I mentioned the importance of self-care.
  • You may outgrow your friends, family and your work and most of the relationships that you are used to. This enables new and healthy relationships to come into your life. Embrace it with patience.
  • Some days, you may feel like you are running in the same spot or you may feel like you keep going back to square one. Again, this is normal and although you feel like that, what's really happening is your body and mind are letting go of old patterns, behaviours and energies. 


 

What some of my previous clients say
 "I realised this week that the problem I tasked Nisanka to help me with has been largely neutralised. I appreciate a lifetime can’t be condensed to one session, but the breakthrough was incredible. I highly recommend Nisanka. Trust in her and her methods, and I am Confident you’ll get amazing results "- Becky Downie
With several sessions, I was able to gradually accept myself and realise my self-worth, which is huge.! . And through that trust, I was able to overcome the emotional struggles and rebuild myself. I am forever grateful, for saving me from that dark space I was back then. And I would recommend Nisanka for anyone who is going through the same” - Bhagya Sumanasiri

 

My guess is that you do have a good understanding of whether you want to embark on a 1-2-1 journey. You may feel confident enough to book a connection chat with me. I am so pleased, if you are. Some of you may decide that it’s not the time or I am not the person for you. I wish you all the best. There are a few more things I would like you to check with yourself before you are going to book that call. 

 

Are we a fit?

 

Sign up for a month to month subscription programme. Take time off when you need to and rejoin. 


 

  • 3 hours of 1-2-1 support (flexible in offering 3 x 1 hr sessions or 2 x 1.5 sessions ) 

 

  • Unlimited texts and email support 

 

  • Access to online journal with prompts

 

  • Access to online workshops


 

Membership cost: £450 per month


 

 

Before you book a connection chat, please take a few minutes to reflect on what you are looking for and what questions you would like to answer from me. If you are not sure if you are co-parenting with a narcissist, we can complete a simple questionnaire to establish this during the connection chat. 
 
As a standard practice, I always ask you to take 24 hours before you sign up after a connection chat.This is to enable you to sit on the information and process them before making a decision. 
 
Never commit in the moment! Not to me or not to anyone else!
Thank you for reading this page and whether we work together or not, I am sending you lots of healing vibes and love. May you and your children be free from the difficult experiences and enjoy a vibrant life!